14 Weird Things Diehard Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom Fans Have To Explain

People in Hyrule do not get enough sleep. It’s one thing that Link insists on starting his days at 5am, but it’s quite another that everyone else in the lands does the same, apparently already gathering outside stores to gossip about hats at such an ungodly hour. Apart from children, bizarrely, who will sleep in until 7. I don’t know if you’ve ever met a child, but this is not a thing they do.

I’ve accidentally veered into a genuine gripe here, but what the hell is with all these one-hit kills?! From the opening moments you’ll find Link goes from spry to dead from a single arrow hit, but this only becomes more egregious once you’ve got a screen full of hearts, armor up the wazoo, and still a tap on the shoulder from a Lizalfos sees you brutally slain. Why?!

OK, you might have disagreed with the last entry, but at least we can all find accordance in my argument regarding the image above: “Nope.”

Koltin and his older brother Kilton are...they’re...I have no words. According to this wiki they’re Hylian, but no, they’re not. They’re whatever nightmares are made of. They’re gruesome troll-beasts that make noises like fingernails down chalkboards, screeching insanely about consuming Bubbuls (weird glowing star-gems). They are nope in its purest form. Concentrated, titrated nope.

If you’ve played through Tears of the Kingdom’s main story, then you know that the Princess has moved into Link’s old abode, except for whatever reason, the house still only has one bed. Zelda’s voice actress has come out and said it’s not for her to determine if the two are together, but, c’mon. By the end of the game, the vibes are totally romantic, no?

Read More: 9 Burning Questions We Still Have After Beating Tears of the Kingdom

You mean to tell me that this world, despite the evil shenanigans going on, is supportive of a free press? Its reporters don’t get harassed? How are any of the reporters even living off this job?!

Link’s height has changed quite dramatically over the years. In Ocarina of Time he was 3'10, but in Skyward Sword he had reached 5'4. It seems in Breath of the Wild he was 5'2, so it’s fair to assume he hasn’t grown much in the meantime. Why, you ask? Because I’m using his height to approximate the size of the game’s crates.

I’m guessing six foot? Does that seem fair? Six by six by six sealed crates, for a total volume of 216 cubic feet. Which is, I’m suggesting, perhaps not the most economical storage method for ONE SINGLE ARROW.

Breath of the Wild was an amazing game that kept me merrily occupied for dozens of hours. However, it wasn’t perfect, and it’s important that Nintendo recognized some of the issues with the game such that they could be improved in Tears of the Kingdom. And while some of those issues were addressed, Nintendo also kept it so that you can’t climb while it’s raining.

It’s so astonishingly egregious, that any other game by any other developer would be dragged for it. You create a core gaming mechanic, vital to be able to properly play the game, and then have it rendered impossible by randomly occurring weather about which the player can do nothing. Get stuck in a hole when it’s raining? Well then, just sit and stare at the screen for ten sodding minutes until the game decides you’re allowed to play it again.

Throughout the first half of the game, key characters believe they’ve seen Zelda at important locations, or are even following obviously terrible instructions from her. And almost immediately, Link learns that this is an imposter. But does Link tell anyone? No, no he does not. He just silently listens as they struggle with their confusion, seemingly revelling in it. Link is a terrible person. See also...

Yeah. It gets even worse when his friends start hearing voices. Every single one of them is left in bemusement and concern that they’re hearing a voice that Link can clearly hear. But will he say so? He will not. He’d rather leave them all thinking they’re losing their minds, rather than say, “Oh yeah, that happened to everyone else too—it’ll be an ancestor that needs our help.” He’s the worst.

You’ve got to admit, the moments you have together don’t exactly feel normal. The fairies are a little too enthusiastic. There’s a reason someone apparently got a noise complaint for grinding too much gear.

Obviously Link has the upper hand on most normal Hylians, given that he has borderline supernatural powers and is the hero of time and everything. But Addison has one job, and the poor guy just can’t crack it.

It’s Link and Sidon forever, sorry.

If Rauru and Sonia are Zelda’s ancestors, I have questions about the logistics. Sonia, sure, I can buy it. But Rauru is a whole ass goat man. Because the Zonai are gone, we can’t really ask any of them about their reproductive capabilities. Is Zelda’s family the only cross-species descendent from the early days of Hyrule? Or is there a little bit of Zonai in all the people of Hyrule? I need a Tears of the Kingdom sicko to explain it to me. The tables have turned. I am asking this question instead of answering it.

This isn’t a scripted end to the slideshow. This is genuinely one of the last screenshots I found in the pile of 287 from which I was compiling this post, and when I looked at it, my honest thought was:

“I don’t care how much this game gets wrong. Because it does this.”

Not specifically the freefalling, although that’s great. And not that you can get hilarious hats, although they bring me unending joy. But that this beautiful, enormous, breathtaking game is capable of such irreverence at the same time as being so masterful. So for as awful as the climbing is, and it is, and as much as the one-hit kills infuriate me, and they should, they just can’t chip away at the innate ten-out-of-tenness of this The Legend of Zelda: Apostrophes of the Kingdom.

Although Link is undeniably a terrible person.